wow. it sure seems like there are a lot of parties out there. a lot of girls also. “i am weak and unsure of what to do with this information or my life,” i’m sure you’re finding yourself mustering feebly. do not worry! it means you should be meeting girls at parties and that i am here to teach you how to do so!
people throw parties for many reasons, such as turning 1, turning 2, etc. there are also parties thrown for other more important reasons, like hedonism or the devil. unless it’s the type of party that you don’t think a girl who likes girls will be at, then it’s a safe bet that there will be at least a few. if it’s not that type of party then just stay home, re-read Nevada, order some za, and commune with the ancient ones that periodically burst through the astral wound in your bathroom. assuming you do go out, however, you have to be ready for everything a party throws at you.
always, always, always wear your second favorite outfit. your first favorite is a) trying too hard and b) best saved for a first date. so you need to be showing off, but just not too much. anyway, this is a party you’re going to go to, so try and have fun! wear easy, semi-comfortable clothing. if you plan on altering your consciousness this is very important. you don’t want to be wearing heels that you stumble on or a ceremonial headdress that curses everyone. consider avoiding make up that actively mutates the wearer into something foul (but rad as hell). also avoid any mobile devices that might dilate the time stream, as you don’t want people accidentally showing up to work two years late the next morning. just focus on looking good, looking confident, and looking gay. the idea is that this will keep boys away while drawing in girls. this idea does not work.
dealing with boys at parties
yikes. these suck! often these are strangers and many of them will try to touch you without consent. outside of wearing a plate mail or carving protective sigils into your yielding human(?) flesh, what is there to be done about these? well, if ignoring them doesn’t work, just remember your ABC’s: Always Be Condescending. does he try to talk about the music? you’re above it. literally planes of existence above it. yes, you’ve heard of that band, you’ve also heard of a thousand bands beyond his pathetic range of hearing. does he invite you to dance? turn him to stone. does he try to give you a drink? dump it on the floor and consume the red solo cup. you’re above them, you’re above all of this. what you’re not above is seeking advice about talking to girls at parties from an alleged witch on the internet.
the talking to girls part
what do you talk to girls about? well, that’s easy! if you’re a girl you can talk to another girl about anything! long bathroom lines, filing income, the unhealing cut on your neck that seems to keep producing more and more spiders. anything! girls, it turns out, love talking to girls. why? because they’re not boys. but how do you know if she’s one of those kind of girls? no, not a werewolf (see: how to talk to wolfgirls and their kin), a gay. this is literally impossible to tell. is she in flannel? then she could be a hipster or a lumberjane. pierced septum? maybe she’s just into jewelry. a howliing cavity in her a chest that beckons you inward? again, maybe she’s just into jewelry. what were often, in the past, common signs girls gave to each other to telegraph gayness are now often just hip shit that all girls do because, let’s face it, gay girls are fashionable as fuck. anyway, assuming you are talking to a girl, assuming you are getting a little bit of a vibe from her, just shoot her the old “I AM GAYBONES FOR YOU AND WOULD THROW MYSELF INTO A VOLCANO IF IT MEANT YOU WOULD KISS MY NECK IN THE BEYOND” look that we all know how to do. if that doesn’t seal the deal just try gently touching her anywhere from the shoulder to the fingertips and telling her she’s cute while smiling. works on me every time.
hope this helped! don’t drink and drive! use erowid if you’re iffy about the weird pills you’ve been given and the necronomicon if the dead start eating guests! bless!